Kinda Fuzzy.

And by "fuzzy", I mean lots of things... I mean gosh, how can you NOT get all kinds of warm fuzzy feelings when you look at those babies? Those chubby cheeks, those squishy arms! The adorableness... It certainly makes my insides go all kinds of fuzzy.
However, it also makes my brain go fuzzy. On a million different levels, FUZZY. First off... I have no idea which child is which in this picture. Who is Evan? Who is Jack? I'd love to say with the utmost of certainty that Jack is on the right. More so because that's how it went in MANY photos... Jack was put in chronological order, thereby always ending up on the right hand side of the picture. But this leaves my mind entirely too fuzzy... Who is that kid? Is that one the one that I think that it is? Is he who I think he is? Meh. Doesn't matter. He's still cute. Brushed back into the confines of my mind... We'll refer to this period of time as the "Jevan months" because no sooner did we think we were talking to Evan, would we recognize it was Jack. Or vice versa, making many names sound like Jevan... Not quite Jack, Not quite Evan... Jevan.
I also had to do the math for when this photo was taken. The boys nearing 4 months old... We were in the Outer Banks, their first vacation. As far as this trip goes... It's all kind of a blur, lots of fuzz. The fuzziness that enshrouded my first few months as a Mom to these guys is in all reality a little scary. I'm really glad that I have our old blog archived, a virtual scrapbook of sorts. It too though, portrayed very little of what was really going on in my world... I know that there was no mention back then of the Post Partum depression, the frustrations with understanding my children and where I fit into their lives, struggling with living up to my own expectations of being the best Mom possible and seemingly failing at every turn... I don't recall mentioning any of that in the blog. Perhaps because it was all fuzzy even then? Was I living in a haze even then? Or was I just trying to fool myself into thinking it was all OK?
Regardless, that fuzz got me through that first year. I just wish I could remember who the kid on the right is. And perhaps one of these days, I'll let you in on how these past few years really went...

Comments

[Karen P]

I know that you are blogged out, but your fan club would love to see a couple pictures from the kids' birthday party. :)

[lynnea]

Holy crap--I have a picture of Nathan that looks JUST LIKE these kiddos. Let me dig it out and I'll email it to you.

[Jill Bartlett]

This is a great picture. So cute. And boy can I relate to the PPD. Thanks for being so honest. We need more people like you out there.

Love your blog, my friend. :)

[Christie]

If it's any consolation - I feel the same way about my first 8 months home with my son from Ethiopia. omg. Can't even remember it. Have to look at pics and video to remind myself I was actually there.

You had 3. Good grief. Bless your tired heart!

[Katie]

Hey there- Completely agree with your Mom, Jessica! (And, here I was thinking that the picture was of the girls!!) You are 100% right that one's memory is a "little fuzzy" after having a baby. I had a really, really hard time after having both boys, especially after the birth of Michael. I shudder right now, just thinking about those few weeks after giving birth to him-- and to think you were going through those feelings times THREE! Glad you're blogging again- you're my favorite blogger out there... : )

[Nita]

With only one, the blur is always present in my mind. Sometimes I wonder how much these brains of ours can retain. Even if my brain doesn't retain it, my blog does.

I had no idea you were experiencing so much back then. I would have so been up your butt and in your face had I known. Just know now that I am here and plan to be here for a long time. Maybe I can even help to clear up some of that fuzziness from time to time.

[Your Mom]

This is the best blog EVER!!! It is so healthy for you to talk about the craziness and emotions of that time and the time the girls were born, and the time Noelle was sick and the time Jen died, and the time Jon got cancer, etc., etc. Sppppiiiitttt it out, Junior. I can't believe JEVAN were that small and chubby. I can only imagine the fuzz you feel ~ I had Jen and you one at a time and your childhoods are a blur to me. The old saying "I blinked my eyes and you guys were grown" is painfully true. Keep taking photos and blogging ~ it is the best way to remember. I love you, baby.