Too Much of A Good Thing

So many of us long to have more children. I'm not excluded from this group. Even though so many people assumed, that after I had the girls I was done... I really wasn't. I still to this day long for more children. I like to think that after "just one more" I'll be done, but truthfully, I have no idea if I'll ever be satisfied. More likely than not though, we'll never know. I will likely never have anymore children, and am alright now with saying that. There was a time when the mere thought of that, would send me into an absolute panic. Now... It's kind of different. Over the four years that I've had to raise my kids, I've realized in so many ways, that there can be too much of a good thing. It doesn't just apply to ice cream and cookies any more. It applies to so much more...

I belong to an incredible church. This is fairly new for me... I belonged to a church as a child, but had no real connection to the church itself. The connection to my church was a more social connection. I was young, I didn't really understand who God was, and what kind of a role he played in my life, and vice versa. Now as an adult, I have true faith. I absolutely know who I am. I truly think I understand why I'm here. Most importantly, I understand that each day is a gift. I know that my children are gifts from God, and that they too are living each day as gifts... At any moment, this can all change. We are not in charge. The journey that I have been on for the past ten years, was not one that I would have chosen for myself... It was one that was clearly chosen for me. It was a path that was written so that I would be able to better understand my place here... My walk has not been easy, and at times it has not been fun. However, nearly all of the time, I have been able to look back and understand the reasoning, been able to see my greater purpose and understand why I was suffering... It has taken me so long to get to this place. Being here now...Is peaceful. The church is merely a place that I have been able to find myself, that I have been able to find other people who think similarly to me, and have expectations similar to mine. While I find that I have wonderful social interactions in the church, it is now a place of true connection... True connection to my faith and my Lord.

Having this incredible faith, and understanding, I honestly feel that all things happen for a reason... Not understanding the reasoning half of the time, and being able to search out God's answers is part of the journey. If we understood it all of the time, how could we possibly learn? How could we possibly grow? Unfortunately in not understanding, and not knowing, we're left to question God's mercy, his actions... This morning our neighbors lost their one month old son to a undetected heart condition. Instead of letting this gentle baby pass away in his sleep, our God, let this baby suffer... He let these parents watch this child endure pain... He allowed these parents to cling to hope and then yank it from underneath of them. And then, and only then, after letting these good people suffer... OUR GOD, let their baby die.

How is this right? How is this just? How is this merciful? How... I am struggling. I am grappling with the understanding of the pain. These parents brought home a gorgeous, healthy, nearly 9lb little boy. They brought him home...

I'm not saying that this is a rare circumstance. I'm not saying that this isn't a daily occurrence in our world. I'm not saying that they're unique. I am saying that this isn't right. I understand that it happens, and that it's part of life... But the suffering... Why? That's the part that I just cannot get over. The suffering. The Baby suffered. The Parents suffered. The Family suffered. I do understand so much of the reason for suffering in general... Original sin... I get that. But perhaps...perhaps I really don't.

I think it's really times like these that the rug is pulled out from underneath of us, and all of what we think we know, and all of what we think we believe is left in question. So I guess I'm in the right place right now... I'm surely left questioning so much of what I believe to be true. So much of what I really thought I understood... It's a true example of nobody being 'safe'. We are all at his mercy... All of us.

Comments

[LLanter]

I do not believe that God "let" this baby suffer or die. Going back to Adam and Eve, God gave us autonomy. God set forth rules for us to live by, but every individual makes the choice to be good or bad, helpful or unhelpful. In this same way, I believe that our bodies have a certain amount of autonomy that God chose not to control. The reason behind this is that by coming to God and following Him of our own free will, our allegiance to Him is so much stronger than if we were forced to be followers. I believe God grieves over the loss of this baby as much as the parents and others do. And I believe that God will provide comfort and solace to those that seek Him.

[Amber]

Sorry it's cutting off some of the link...last try:

http://www.youtube.com/user/MormonMessages#p/a/
59A88EF0AD2EBBF7/2/wz41YxNiHEg

[Amber]

trying the link again:

http://www.youtube.com/user/MormonMessages#p/a/59A88EF0AD2EBBF7/2/wz41YxNiHEg

[Amber]

Just a few thoughts...and a link that touched me.
When I wonder why suffering happens I think about the immense suffering that Jesus Christ suffered for all of us as he atoned for our sins and he felt all our heartaches and sadnesses and sicknesses and trials. He wants us to turn to him in our suffering, he wants us to feel his love, because he knows exactly what we are feeling...he's been there. Maybe without suffering we wouldn't know how to help others, our hearts wouldn't be open to his love or to giving love to others who may go through the same thing and may need us. We would never be humble enough and thankful to our God who gave us life and gives us everything.
Here is the link, just a short video clip.

http://www.youtube.com/user/MormonMessages#p/a/59A88EF0AD2EBBF7/2/wz41YxNiHEg

[Jill]

Yes, circumstances like these are when I really cry out to God. They shake my faith, and that upsets me because I want to be a person of unshakeable faith. I ultimately have to force myself to come to terms with the fact that on this earth we know in part and we see in part, but one day we will know fully and see fully. These are some of the hardest times to trust God- when he simply does not makes sense. When he does not do what we think he should do. The one thing I have learned of his character over the years is that whatever feelings we feel, he feels them exponentially so much more, so I think of how he must be grieving over this sad loss, the lifetime of pain for this family, and how in this particular situation, the greatest good was to be found in taking this sweet baby boy home to heaven. You and this family will be in my prayers.

[Katie]

You're right, each person in our lives is a gift, as is each day. Hold on to hope, have faith, be strong in your love.

[Terri Jaecklein]

Jesser, I'm sorry you're struggling so much with this. Faith, as life, is a journey. It's alot easier to believe in God when things are good than when they suck. The reason for Matthew's suffering may never be apparent to you or, for that matter, his parents while you're on this earth. (I still wonder why he took Jen and why she suffered.) But, try to believe that someday the answer will be clear for everyone that is suffering through this tragedy. It is called FAITH for a reason. I love you, baby girl.

[theagnosticswife]

It is reason's like this that I began to question my faith, my God. I think that I'm coming to the conclusion, one that saddens me, that there really might not be a God because if there is one that would do this. Why do I want to serve him. This and so many other reasons have put me on a search and what I am finding is not what I expected. You and your neighbors will be in my thoughts. I would say prayers but really I would be lying, I not lying when I say I will think about you all and hope you are doing ok.