Sometimes in the midst of a conversation, I find myself at a loss for words. Any of you who know me know that this is completely unheard of. My brain is always flowing, a constant stream of what to talk about next, and then someone throws the curveball question... "so do you have any brothers or sisters?"
This is where my brain usually comes to a screeching halt.
Do I have any brothers or sisters.
Yes... Well... Sort of... I mean... How can you sort of have a sister? Yes. I have a sister. Well I mean, I had a sister. But she died.
And, at that point, don't you just kind of wish I had just kept my mouth shut? Or better yet lied? Lied and said, nope! No brothers or sisters here! I gotta tell you, at times it would be so much easier, and so much less painful... I know it's painful for me, but I really can't imagine it was that awesome for the person on the receiving end either. Talk about a can of worms... They probably didn't see that one coming.
I know sometimes I'll see things from my childhood, like a toy or book, and I'll think "Aww! I used to have one of those!" Now, I see people with siblings... and think the same thing... Man. I used to have one of those. It's like the universe played some sort of cruel joke on me 4 years ago. Yanked the rug out from under me... It's even better seeing things in stores, like cards, or little decorative plaques, or magnets decorated with Sisters are Forever & Having a Sister is Having A Best Friend You Can't Get Rid Of... I want to hurl that stuff onto the floor and stomp on it. Bitter? Maybe. Turns out, Sisters? They're not forever. You CAN get rid of them... I may not have had a choice in how long my forever was... I never had a say in whether I wanted to get rid of her or not. Nobody asked me...
Suffice to say, four years later the pain is as fresh today as it was then. I'm still waiting for it to get easier... But, much like raising my children, I've succumbed to the idea that mourning the loss of Jennifer will NEVER get easier, it will only get different... From day to day, from here on out, it will only be different.